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James works 30 minutes away and he drove all the way home on his lunch break just so he could see me for a second and bring me a bag of chips. I am loved!
Okay, so I’m going to try this new thing called honest blogging. What I am about to say may hit you hard, or maybe you just don’t give a damn. I do give a damn though, and I have been wanting to say this for a long time.
I have this image on youtube that I am some sweet, loving, great person. I’m not saying that’s a lie, because it isn’t. I know that I am a sweet, loving, great person. But that is not all that I am. I can also be really rude. Bitchy even. Offensive, crude, you name it. James and I absolutely LOVE tasteless jokes that would make some people cringe. I hit people a lot, and I don’t know why. I use “gay” as a synonym for stupid. I’ll even admit that yes, I do say the N word. Granted I NEVER use it offensively, pretty much only say it when I am mocking those who defend the right to say it more often than they say the word “the” (such as rappers and the thugged out youth that surrounds my area), and I always avoid saying it around anyone who I think may be offended by it… I still say it occasionally. Does James mind? No, he says it himself in the same manner that I do. I have cheated on boyfriends… more than once. I have been a “hater” on the internet. I have slammed a girl’s head into a cement wall (I had a reason though. She wouldn’t stop kissing my boyfriend on the cheek no matter how nicely I asked her to stop). I have made a girl cry so hard that I ended up suspended for two weeks (which my mom so sweetly got me out of but punished me plenty well herself). I have insulted people I don’t know on the streets. To their face. I have broke up with a boy because I didn’t like the back of his head. I have done things so shitty that I don’t speak about them to anyone except my closest friends.
A lot of the things I just named are a part of my past. I no longer do things like that, such as cheating and insulting people for no reason, and I don’t agree with them in any way. My point is that I am not perfect. This perfect good girl image has been bothering me. I find myself continually censoring myself in my videos. “Oh wait, I can’t put that in there. It might offend somebody.” When did this happen to me? I used to LOVE offending people! I used to love stating my opinion no matter what anybody thought of it. I didn’t used to care about pleasing everyone. Why do I now?
One year ago I made a video going into detail about how I cheated on my then-boyfriend, told him about it, his reaction… I was even light hearted about it in the video (not to say I didn’t feel incredible remorse… I did. It was a terrible thing and to this day I want to tell the guy how sorry I am. He was the only good guy besides James I ever dated, and he did not deserve what I gave him). I would absolutely never post a video like that these days. I would be far too afraid of pissing one of my subscribers off and losing them, or pissing some random viewer off who could be a potential subscriber. OR, in fact, pissing off family members who watch my videos. That never used to bother me. I wanted people to accept me for who I am, and if they couldn’t then I really couldn’t give a fuck.
So what the hell happened. Why is it that every time I proofread my videos after uploading them, I have to turn them off halfway through because they make me so goddamn sick? I get so disgusted with myself because I know that I am not being all of who I am. All that super goody goody sweet wholesome sugar coated BABBLING bores the fuck out of me, to be quite honest. I want to be done with it. I want the people on youtube to see my unpleasant side too. I know I am a good person. I shouldn’t be so afraid to show more sides of myself. I need to stop trying so hard to please every single person who watches my stupid videos, and I need to please myself. That is why my videos aren’t the same anymore. That is why all they consist of these days is boring, mind numbing, pointless shit. I’m done with it. I don’t give a damn if anybody thinks I am a slut, a bitch, a horrible person, a snob, a dumbass… Because in truth I am a little bit of all that. And if I weren’t I’d probably kill myself. I like who I am and it’s about time I start showing it.
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To be honest, I liked your videos better when you just started on youtube. Your latest videos have been missing.. well something. But, I still think your the most interesting person on youtube by far.
Comment by aileen. August 17, 2007 @ 4:46 amI say do what you want. You lose subscribers, BFD. You’ll more than likely gain more new ones than lose old ones.
Comment by Sarah August 17, 2007 @ 6:32 amHey Emily… have you heard of a youtuber called boh3m3? He’s offensive as fuck and he is still really popular… that shit is funny. People like it. People LIKE to hate…. people want to find something be offended about so they can bitch at someone hiding behind their screen… so just give it to them! No matter how much you try to please people there’s always going to be haters! So just be yourself!
Comment by Anna Rose August 17, 2007 @ 8:02 amThat other side of you gives you an edge. I don’t think you can fully self-censor or edit that out. So even if it isn’t in your videos at the level you want it to be, I think people sense it — the edge that is.
Changing what you do let go in your videos might best develop the audience you really want.
Comment by Doug August 17, 2007 @ 3:24 pmi can relate to this alot.
Comment by aaron August 17, 2007 @ 8:07 pmGo to livevideo and don’t tell anyone. The smart ones will figure out. Lash out all you want on lv. I think it’s better for video blogging anyways.
Comment by Kerri August 18, 2007 @ 5:07 amWho are who we are, for better or worse. Whether who you are in one aspect or another is good or bad, really is beside the point. The point is that in order to change, we have to accept who we are and be honest about it. So if there is something bad or ugly about you that needs to be worked through (as we all have those areas of ourselves), the only way that can happen is if you’re honest with who you are. Then there’s the potential for change. But pretending to be someone you’re not only keeps hidden what needs to be changed. Self-honesty leads to catharsis.
Comment by Neil (nrgins) August 18, 2007 @ 5:43 amHey.I just read your blog and think that you are doing the right thing. The choice to not be a slave to censorship is a tough path to follow. Speak your mind but you must also remember that the “Truth” will always hurt someone. If you are ready for that then you are to share your true self.
Comment by Harry August 18, 2007 @ 6:20 amhey emily
as for being loved… i think thats so awesome. i wish i had a girl i could drive 30 minutes to give a bag of chips to. but alas, my dating prowes is lacking haha
and as for revailng yourself, i absolutely agreees
Comment by AznFacey August 18, 2007 @ 7:07 ammy videos absolutley suck cuz they dont really tell anybody what kind of person i am. but tahts besides the point. i’m gonna enjoy seein other sides of you the good and the bad. nobodies perfect and perfect people make me nervous haha
anyways, keep doin what you doin and lets just have some funs
welcome to being a normal person. the smart people in the world already know that everyone can be rude, nasty etc so it’s really okay.
my point is, it’s admirable that you have explained yourself, but you don’t really need to. those who have seen your videos can tell that you are a good person.
the not so smart people build others up as some kind of fantasy image that can do no wrong! then again, they’re not so smart!
not one person on earth is perfect or nice all the time. people make mistakes and learn from them to become better people, they grow.
do what you want, say what you want, but be careful not to invite others to judge you, because that would defeat the object of being yourself.
Comment by boy August 18, 2007 @ 7:13 amGo for it. You shouldn’t censor yourself for anyone, and if people are offended by your views/jokes/whatever then so be it. It’s who YOU are and if they can’t accept that then they will move on.
Comment by Toficus August 18, 2007 @ 7:31 amHi Emily, I just watched your video about ‘that’s do gay’ and came here afterwards.. I think I called you a cheerful happy person or something a few days ago in a comment on YT.. but i had only seen your last videos, I’m only recently subscribed to your channel. sooo.. yeah, you do come across like that in your latest videos. But if that isn’t the real you, you should just post videos without editing-out all the ‘possibly offensive’ words. Hell, if people don’t like it, that’s their problem, not yours. I’m actually quite curious about that other side of yours to be quite honest
so BRING it on!
nice blog btw! Sarah xoxo
Comment by Sarah August 18, 2007 @ 8:18 amI said ‘that’s do gay’… dear god.
sorry, i hate spelling errors :/
Comment by Sarah August 18, 2007 @ 8:19 amyou fucking slammed someone’s head into a cement wall….ok we all have things in our past that we regret, but i’m sure the girl you did that to regrets it A LOT more than you do. and you probably don’t regret it at all. she kissed your boyfriend, whatever. what if she came around and slammed your head into a cement wall after however much time had passed? i’d say she’d have a good reason to. that might wake you the fuck up.
Comment by s. August 18, 2007 @ 1:11 pmI think that’s part of growing up, Em. Everyone goes trough the fase of “I’ll do whatever I want” to “I have to ‘control’ myself”, till we realize that we can be both in one, just do way we actually are.. And if ppl dont accept you that way.. well, theres a bunch of other ppl in the world.
Well, hope you know what I mean..
Comment by Debora August 18, 2007 @ 9:07 pmSee ya!
Deb
(This is DClaudeKatz from YouTube. I reached my comment limit, so I’m continuing here.)
Whereas the contemporary derogatory sense of “lame” comes via an etymology that did not necessarily at any point imply a negative evaluation of handicapped people, the etymology of “gay” depends critically on the fact that, at some point, being “gay” in the sexual sense was considered a bad thing, not just in a practical aspect (like being unable to walk) but in the sense that being a homosexual made you a bad or inferior person. “Gay” was an insult because kids perceived that people didn’t like homosexuals. And then the insult aspect became divorced from the denotative meaning. But the etymology is still fresh in the minds of people who have been persecuted for their homosexuality.
Comment by knzn August 18, 2007 @ 10:14 pmAs for the actual topic of this post, I heartily agree with you. Be yourself, “warts and all”. You will lose some subscribers by offending people, but you will gain many more by being interesting. I would rather watch an interesting person that I don’t like than a boring person that I like. (And most people will still like you anyway.)
Comment by knzn August 18, 2007 @ 10:50 pm…and I hate to say this, but you really were starting to get boring. Even though I disagree with your latest video, it’s the one that made me stop thinking about unsubscribing.
Comment by knzn August 18, 2007 @ 10:57 pmI think you rock and you remind me a lot of who I was at your age. Which was like 5 minutes ago. And by 5 minutes, I mean 10 years.
Okay I’m heading out to the bar now – laterz!
Comment by Karen August 18, 2007 @ 11:29 pmI could tell you were really like that.
Comment by m August 20, 2007 @ 4:48 amIt especially comes out in videos of you and James.
You seem more.. rude and obnoxious in those videos.
I don’t need you to make an effort to tell me you have a “bad” side. I already see super goody goody sweet wholesome sugar coated video Emily in the context of Emily the human being. It’s not that I think I know you, it’s that I know how complex we all are (especially us creative types). Another side of Emily is in your humour. Another side of Emily is in your art. Another side of Emily is in your video comments. Trying to portray every side of yourself on video will still not adequately portray Emily the human being. But I already know that’s who you are (unless you’re not telling me something about another planet).
Comment by Taletale August 20, 2007 @ 8:36 amBe yourself girl! I’m still going to watch your vids and when your online and if I see you on AOL..I’m still going to say hello to you and listen if you need a ear! Friends don’t walk away just because you want to be yourself. Thank you for being honest! Pam
Comment by bgirl90 August 21, 2007 @ 2:20 pmhi, Ive been watching a ton of your youtube videos and obviously your a great painter and i would like to ask you a question about painting…I just started painting and i started with oil paints and i don’t like them very much, do you have any tips about what kinds of paints i should start with ? any tips at all would be really nice. Thank you.
Comment by Samantha August 28, 2007 @ 3:08 amPlease be rude and honest in your vlogs… “Diagnosis Lunatic” is the most mind numbing thing you’ve created and I’d like to see you be a bitch.
Comment by Debaku October 10, 2007 @ 12:47 pmhave a point in a vlog. if you’re not being your self, well, why be anything else? this blog entry would have been a good video-blog… Basically, I just want to see your beautiful face in a new video calling it like you see it. (but who cares what I want and think, do what YOU WANT)